four years in the making

The boy turns four on Wednesday. Four years in the making and he's turning out better than I could have imagined. Sometimes it seems like I remember every second of the last four years and others, well, find me projecting a year ahead, to kindergarten, and the incredible loss I will feel. He'll stop being my superkid sidekick and start moving in the world as his own independent person. It's a belly-tumbling feeling I have about this. I grow nervous for him, his safety, and his tender heart while being acutely aware that he must learn to fly on his own.

We take small steps already. Lately, when David goes to gym class, I wait a few minutes, then take the baby and go get coffee. I've been leaving more often, knowing that it's me that needs to get comfortable with this separation. Last week, he got scared and cried at the make-believe bear that jumped out from behind the mats. I found this out afterward from the teacher that shelters him in her own sweet way. I felt guilty that I wasn't there to calm his beating heart and grateful that someone else could. I know that there will be more heartstopping moments in his life that are bigger and more significant than make-believe bears. I'll count myself fortunate to hear of them via a second-hand account, and I know that some will go unmentioned, un-named.

It's a daunting thought, this nagging question: have I done enough to prepare him for the world outside my reach? Have I done enough? At night I pray with him. I thank God for the gift of him, for his tender heart, for his kind spirit, his strong mind and body. I pray these things out loud so David knows that this is how I see him and what I hope for his future. I love him for his sensitivity and still, I try to shore it up, to encourage toughness as a virtue. I so don't want him to be the one that gets picked on. It's a fine line to walk as a parent...when to push, when to hold, when to let him find his own way.

I held him this morning on the sofa. As we talked about the coming year, I could already feel the creeping pangs of loss for his little boy smile; a smile that remains innocent of the cruelty and emotional perils that childhood can bring. Already, I grieve his eminent understanding that the world is not always good and kind. He's my son, my lovely and adored son and he begins to move beyond me. Four years old. Four years of teaching and learning and growing and loving for both of us. They are not wanton or lean years. They have been full and well lived, and I will tuck their sweet memory inside my heart as gentle reminders for all the changes that will surely come.

Heebie-Jeebies

Well, it seems that spring may finally be here. We hit 45-48 degrees today depending on where you were and boy did it feel good. I counted several people breaking out their capri's and flip-flops even...a little early perhaps, but up here, we take what we can get. The sun felt great and the people I came across seemed happier than normal.

After spending the morning with the family, I headed out for an afternoon off from my domestic diva life. Those of you who know me well, know that I have a particular loathing for public restrooms.-any toilet that is not my own really. When I was a kid you I could pretty reliably tell you where the bathroom was in any restaurant, grocery store or mall. Even if I hadn't been there, I had this uncanny knack at sussing them out. I remember once eating out with my family and someone asked where the bathroom was. My aunt Ro said "Ask Chelsea, she always knows where they are." I was five.

I still keep track of them in my head, but more to avoid them than anything else. Today at the grocery store, I had to pee. I tried to rationalize that I could wait, but I knew it was inevitable. Why didn't I go at the cafe? I mentally kicked myself and headed down the dim hallway goosebumps and all. There was paper on the floor when I walked in-never a good sign. I could see that the first stall-my usual pick- had tp all over the floor so I reluctantly moved past and found the last stall open. This one had tp on the floor too, but at least not where I had to stand. Now, when I go in a stall, I try to touch as little as possible. This door was out to get me. The first lock was broken and the second lock was one that you had to pick up and slide over to secure it. (sigh) Finally sealed in my metal cubicle I got down to business. I NEVER sit...EVER, EVER, EVER....I have mastered the art of "The Hover" and it works for me. Don't even bother me with seat covers-that is just more stuff to touch, and line up, and why would I take the time? Ick. Ick. Ick. Anyway, I'm doing my thing and I realize that there is this smell permeating the air...not a bodily function smell (thankfully) but a sickly sweet, minty gum smell...like they thought if they pumped Doublemint gum scent into the bathroom it would cover-up all the other problems? Oh my. Okay, Done. Let's go. I never touch the flusher. Feet only. If it's a push-button thing; I walk away. I just can't bring myself to do it. You can imagine what it looks like to take my kids in-mostly it involves them looking like they are in a hold-up-I make them keep their hands in the air the whole time; but that's another blog entirely.

I still had a good day, and great time off, even with the latrine ordeal. And I learned something along the way: I'll never use that one again. Ever.

Costco take me away...

A few years ago I said, "Calgon, take me away!" to an early twentysomething during a particularly harried day at work. Miss Perky just gave me a blank look. "You don't know Calgon? You know, the bath stuff from the TV commercial" I said, rather shocked. I could see a glaze forming over her eyes as she mumbled something under her breath. "Oh...." I breathed out heavily, my heart sinking into a long sigh, "I'm old. Nevermind."

Had I said that today, I would have received the same blank stare from my son that I did from Miss Perky. So I whispered my soliloquised plea to the empathetic audience that can always be found somewhere in the vicinity of my kitchen sink. They are kind enough to listen to me during my weighty, mother-gone-wild moments. This scene took place before I went to Little Gym with David, and came home and realized that my shirt was inside out the whole time and that my hair was doing a Medusa impression against my will. Well, I immediately found two giant hair clips and twisted the rogue curls into submission, turned the shirt right side out, took one more look at the dirt on the floor that I had recently vacuumed, and decided that Costco would be my Calgon today.

I love Cotsco. I love that the aisles go almost to the ceiling. I love that I can buy clothes, fruit, tires, fresh bread, a sofa, and a 42' plasma TV all at one place. I love the good deals, the name brands, and the customer service. Costco is truly my Calgon. I can take a deep breath, go in, look around, and maybe not even buy anything and feel better. It's great for the kids because there is so much to look at for Lucas, and David can't really get hurt, and there is almost always free food to be had. I'm not seeking retail therapy when I go, besides, it's not even true retail therapy. No one dreams that buying toilet paper will make them feel better. I generally don't buy things that we don't need, and even today, I was good about not buying the nice-to-haves. ( I really do need the wrinkle serum-and it's on sale this month anyway!) I stuck to the list, used my coupons, and for an hour didn't have to hear any crying, or whining, and I didn't have to employ any mediation, facilitation or entertainment skills for my children. Sure, I could have waited for Kiel to come home and locked myself in the bathroom for an hour. But I would have felt bad about the dirty floor, the laundry waiting to be put away, and the fact that I had no idea what we were having for dinner. This way, I could ignore those things and still get something off my to-do list.

You see, Costco offers you the feeling of productivity wrapped up in an escapist moment. It's so big that other peoples voices are drowned out. You can avoid people you know by dodging behind an endcap in papergoods or greet them with a welcome smile as if they were a value added item on your list. You can dream about that granite topped double vanity with brushed nickel hardware while munching down on some English Coastal cheddar cheese...(oh-what's that?...GOUOOOOODA! Mmmmmm!) You can have a feel good experience about your obvious consumption, and more importantly, you can get out of your house when it's closing in on you.

My Costco therapy session wasn't quite long enough today because by the time I got home and saw that floor again, my blood pressure started to rise-At least I figured out what was for dinner though. Today was a long day, not a bad day, just a long day. I know there will be other better and longer lasting blissful moments and I'll take them when they come. And when I need to, I'll make them happen, even if it's just an hour at Costco. Sigh.....

Spring!

Ah springtime in Anchorage...a season announcing itself by it's trademark scent rather than the greening of tress or blooming of flowers. Yes, on our daily walks to check the status of our local duck pond we've come upon that ever so lovely smell of spring...you know, the dog poo/early barbecue/dryer sheet/rotting leaves/ muddy smell that permeates the air for a few weeks during our beloved break-up. It's been warm: low 40's and cloudy that past week and the dutiful weathermen had been threatening snow any day. It arrived this morning, all wind driven and wet like and early Nebraska winter storm. It wont last, but it drives home the point that in Alaska, it's not really spring unless it snows a few more times.

The boys and I have been traversing the dry road to the duck pond just about every day in the wagon. Lucas gets the biggest grin as soon I buckle him in, and if David needs to burn off some energy, I make him pull for awhile. I've taken to pulling them up the big hill on the other side of the pond to make a loop out of our trip. 65lbs of dead weight behind me makes me feel like a sled dog at a weight pull, but my legs and heart thank me for it at the end of the night. The downhill ride proves to be equally challenging as I have to run to control the wagon as the boys shriek with delight. I was cautious the first time; now, I run a bit faster and hope that I don't wipe out on the gravel scree. It's like their own cheap roller-coaster ride. Kiel started it, and I continue because it's fun, a little dangerous, and the boys just love it.

Lucas is getting his feet wet in the walking arena. He takes 4-6 steps now before falling down or into your open arms. He has this thing where he wants to stand up by himself before he tries it. So, trying to get him to walk between Kiel and I is almost impossible. Yesterday he took off from the stair rail down the hall, which tells me that he's getting ready for the big time. I'm holding to my earlier prediction that he'll be walking by the end of this month. He is certainly a kid who knows his mind. One might say picky-but I wont put that on him-mostly because it would be attributed to me.

It's been a long slog this week. The wagon rides have helped our end of winter cabin fever and I've decided to start a running program to get my head and body back into shape. I did watch The Thin Man which was surprisingly entertaining. I'd recommend it. Well, the baby is up from nap no.2 and it's time to get back to the grind. Until next time...